Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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