ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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