dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
