omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
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