Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
