i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
