Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
