did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize