Your mouth is God's brothel.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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