there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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