I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
