Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize