I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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