Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
