I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
