how can u be prego again
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
as a side note pls kill me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
