My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize