I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Bring me that man meat
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
