I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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