I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
