He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
