I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Holy shit dude........stairs
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
