I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
