i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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