the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
