Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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