We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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