Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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