Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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