i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
