I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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