I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
This house was built for laser tag.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
