Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
