Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
