she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
