Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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