dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
