if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
pop tarts are not kleenex
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
