He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
