Come see our sink grown plant.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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