I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
