Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
