my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
