When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
