I just pynch a tree in the face
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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