this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize