i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
