the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
