my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
