Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
