i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize