i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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