I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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