i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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