saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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