when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
