First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
