I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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