oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
